Being Chinese | The self-sacrificing Chinese mother I never wanted to become

Around me, many parents seemed to carry an invisible ledger. Sacrifice was the moral currency of the day, invoked to justify good grades, prestigious careers and lifelong gratitude. Love and guilt often came as a package deal. “Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed for you?” was so ubiquitous that it became a suffocating childhood refrain.

The self-sacrificing mother is by no means unique to China, or even Asia. But I encountered her everywhere in Chinese society in the 1980s and 1990s. Fortunately, my own parents never quite fit this mould. Sure, they made sacrifices – they lived frugally but never balked at the prospect of spending on things I loved. When I was taking the entrance exam for senior high school, they made sure to travel across town by minivan-style cab, so I could rest properly and stay focused on the way to the exam hall. Yet they neither kept score nor reminded me what I owed them.