I Ranked Video Game Houses By How Much I’d Actually Want To Live In Them

There’s no penalty for changing things up regularly, and none of the neighbors complain about your eccentric style. Well, not too often, anyway. In the real world, renovations require contractors and a lot of money. In Animal Crossing, I can decorate my entire house in ten minutes with no mess.

If you enjoy peace and quiet, as I do, the location is amazing. However, the public transport network leaves a lot to be desired. Then there’s Tom Nook. Yes, he provides housing, but his financial arrangements need observing closely. Real mortgage lenders send you a statement, but Tom Nook stomps around the island as the only man with the power to expand your home, making up prices and gaslighting you into believing your home will never be big enough.

I’ve given Animal Crossing’s house a 9/10 because of the amazing customization options and enjoyable outdoor living. I deducted one point because I don’t trust the landlord.

The Sims 4

Okay, I know this one is technically cheating, because you can just make the house of your dreams with few repercussions. The Sims is effectively a property development simulator disguised as a life sim. I’ve spent so many hours building houses from scratch, planning the layout, choosing the furniture, and recoloring the appliances, only to never even bother with the family that moves in.

But it’s the fantasy of designing and furnishing a house I could never afford in real life that draws me in. Enormous bathrooms, walk-in wardrobes, a bedroom in the conservatory? It’s my (fake) money, my house, and my questionable decisions, and I’ll do what I want.

Sure, I’m occasionally forced to be the victim of my own choices. A staircase in the wrong place sometimes means my Sims have to walk for 15 minutes just to make breakfast–and that’s if they can even make any breakfast because I’ve filled the counters with appliances and forgotten the need for prep space. Even that’s a questionable sequence of events, because the chances of me placing a pretty plant in a spot that the residents believe makes the door inaccessible are pretty high.

You just can’t beat the customization options though, so if money and building restrictions were no object, I’d have the place of my dreams. That earns it a 10/10.

The Bakers’ House, Resident Evil 7

At first glance, the Baker family home is a lovely rural property. There’s lots of space, it’s got character, and it’s secluded enough to appeal to anyone looking to escape the city.

On closer inspection though, the place is filthy. The interior is falling apart, and there’s a general vibe that suggests the previous owners didn’t take maintenance very seriously. There’s also the small matter of the other residents. I’m not especially fussy, but I don’t want to find evidence of a long family dispute in the form of biological horror.

The kitchen is the worst part. You’d like to think that a food preparation area would have a certain level of hygiene, but not here. On the plus side, the house would probably be pretty cheap. If you can find a surveyor willing to inspect it, it might be a great bargain.

Having said that, I’ve had to give it a 1/10 because I fear the cost of renovating such a large space would be astronomical. There’s also a weird smell.

Any Minecraft House

Minecraft’s argument for building your own home from scratch is pretty compelling. You can choose the location from a variety of different biomes, but you also have to source the materials, design it, and construct it yourself.

That said, there are countless possibilities. I could build a lakeside cottage, a modern mansion in the mountains, or a cozy woodland treehouse. However, there are some practical considerations.

Depending on where you build, you might need to worry about hostile mobs appearing outside your front door, or even inside your house if you haven’t put enough thought into how you’ll light it.

Building an amazing house in the middle of nowhere is all well and good, but getting the resources and traveling elsewhere is tedious. If you have the best kitchen in the world, it won’t matter if the nearest village is a 30-minute boat ride away. The only local transport is a horse–or a minecart, but you’ll have to build the network yourself.

It’s also a completely unrealistic construction process. You can punch a tree, turn it into planks, and build a house without ever speaking to a professional. That said, it earns 8/10 for limitless potential, although the process is brutal if you have no basic survival skills.

The Normandy, Mass Effect

I know that technically the Normandy is a spaceship, but I’m willing to make an exception and include it on the basis that it has bedrooms, living quarters, a kitchen, and enough facilities to make it feel like an oversized shared apartment.

The location is unusual, but the views of the galaxy are unrivaled. The beauty of the Normandy is you can use it to travel between star systems, making the commute more bearable than most. It certainly beats the London Underground.

The main problem is that your neighbors are your colleagues, and your workplace is on board. That takes away the separation between home and work. It’s hard to relax when somebody’s discussing a mission briefing in the corridor outside your room.

The escape provisions are not up to scratch. If the ship gets into trouble, you suddenly have no home either. I’ve given it a 7/10 for the incredible views and great facilities, but I’d prefer a house where my employer can’t drag me to an emergency meeting before breakfast.

Croft Manor, Tomb Raider

If I didn’t have to think about the heating bill, Croft Manor would be a pretty great place to live, but it does have a few drawbacks. It’s huge and very striking to look at, and there are enough rooms that all my friends could come and stay over without question. There’s space for entertaining, fitness, storage, and other activities, but I’m not sure how much of it is actually useful.

A house that big would quickly become a nightmare to maintain. I don’t have enough hours in the day to do all of the cleaning in my own modest four-bed, let alone Croft Manor. There are also questions about security–there needs to be a sensible system for keeping unwanted visitors out, especially with such a vast collection of priceless artifacts. The grounds are beautiful though, and I’ve always wanted my own pool.

If someone else was paying for the maintenance, I’d gladly take the keys. Croft Manor gets an 8/10 because it’s unclear whether the manor comes with Lara Croft’s bank balance.

With so many options to choose from, it’s hard to decide where I’d actually live. There are plenty of customization options in Animal Crossing and The Sims, but Stardew Valley’s outdoor space and slower pace of life are also appealing. Some properties show that location, maintenance, or neighbors matter just as much as the internal space on offer. The only thing I know for certain is I wouldn’t buy the Baker house even with a substantial discount.