‘I gave birth to her, so why do I have to adopt her?’: The unwed single parents adopting their own children

Ms Lim added that the ASA was emotionally draining as it required her to revisit and describe in considerable detail her relationship with her child’s biological father and the circumstances surrounding her child’s conception. 

“I had spent a lot of time trying to heal from that period of my life, so having to face the biological father and revisit painful memories as part of the adoption process was difficult, even though I understood why the assessments needed that information,” she said.

“I keep questioning why I have to be assessed so thoroughly when I was the one taking care of this child alone from day one.”

She questioned why her parenting was subjected to such close scrutiny simply because she was unmarried, noting that being married did not necessarily mean someone was capable of raising a child.

Ms Diana similarly described the process as being “frustrating” and “unfathomable”.

“My experiences of doing everything I could to make things work with the father of my child … as a daughter who felt she had let her family down, and an unwed mother, have allowed me to accumulate enough shame, regret and pain to last me a lifetime,” she said. 

“I do not need the legal process to be an additional source of distress in this situation.”

Some of the mothers CNA spoke to also pointed to the emotionally taxing process of having to get the biological father’s consent to relinquish his parental rights. 

Ms Lim said obtaining that consent from her daughter’s biological father involved “challenging conversations”. 

“This was particularly difficult given the circumstances surrounding our relationship and the verbal abuse I had experienced from him during my pregnancy,” she said. 

Meanwhile, Ms Diana, who is currently going through the adoption process, said she expects dealing with her child’s father will be arduous, as he has not consented to the adoption at this point. 

She said that if the matter is contested, her legal fees could increase significantly, and the process could be prolonged.

For Ms Thivya Pillai, who became a mother at 18 and has raised her son largely on her own, having to contact her son’s father again is one of the main reasons she has put the adoption process on hold. 

The pair have not been in contact for about 10 years, and the 31-year-old business owner fears reigniting the conflict they went through when she was seeking sole custody of her child. 

“The whole custody fight was one of the craziest moments of my life. Going through the adoption process feels like I’m going back there, and I don’t know if I have the ability to go through it all over again.”