Backyard Baseball has officially released, and with it, a brand-new generation of kids can experience one of the most charming, wholesome, and fun sports franchises around.
But alongside the influx of new kids trying the game out for the first time, there are also players like me–longtime fans who have been studying the strengths, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies of the game’s roster. Is this so I know how to handle them when they come up to the plate in the video game? Partially. More importantly, however, I have used this knowledge to determine, TimothĂ©e Chalamet-style, whose ticket I could punch in a real-life baseball game.
I am 32 years old and have not played organized baseball in nearly two decades. I’m probably going to tear my rotator cuff or explode my UCL and need Tommy John surgery. But before I do, I’m sending some children back to the bench.
These are the Backyard Baseball kids I could strike out without even really trying that hard at all, and exactly how I would take them out.
Dante Robinson
The food-obsessed Dante Robinson is a decent hitter with incredible wheels, and anything he hits on the ground could easily be legged out for a single. I’m staying away from the lower half of the zone–in fact, I’m starting off with a four-seamer right at his ear, forcing him to hit the dirt and subsequently choke on the hoagie in his mouth. The umpire, who is, of course, also well-trained in the Heimlich maneuver, would save him, but the fear of death by hoagie would result in him then taking three straight pitches right down the middle for a strikeout.
