Why mums judge other mums for their parenting choices

Jackie Li, a 38-year-old speech therapist and mum of one, has a theory: “Many mums are over-functioning – we wear a lot of hats, giving and giving but don’t receive the recognition or take the rest that we need.

“This makes us more easily exhausted or burnt out, yet we still feel like we need to strive to be ‘perfect’ or control everything to make sure things are right.

“So when we see someone approaching parenting differently, calling them out or judging can be a quick feel-good move or even provide us with some form of validation that we’re better. We look at other mums doing it ‘wrong’ and think, ‘Phew, at least I’m not doing that’.”

This over-functioning also hides mums’ deep-seated insecurities and a desire for affirmation, Li said.

This makes sense to me. Parenting is full of everyday decisions that rarely come with instant confirmation that we have made the ‘right’ choice. We pick a sleep method, feeding approach, a daycare centre or childcare arrangement – then worry that we’ve got it all wrong.

THE IMPACT OF CONSTANT JUDGING

Of course, some decisions are objectively harmful and should be called out, including unsupervised or excessive screen time, neglecting a child’s medical or emotional needs, verbal abuse disguised as jokes or putting kids in unsafe situations.

But I’m not talking about those extremes, I’m referring to the ordinary, everyday decisions that differ from family to family.