Few things are harder than watching your adult child struggle. Parents share with me their involvement in their adult children’s challenges with finances, employment, mental health challenges, academic difficulties, or simply a failure to launch. The feeling of wanting to help comes with the territory of being a parent. From the moment our children are born, we are innately wired to protect, guide, support, and sometimes rescue them.
What Works In Childhood Can Be Less Effective In Adulthood
Many of the parents I work with are not dealing with estrangement. They remain actively involved in their children’s lives. They hear “fire alarms” in the form of phone calls and crisis-laden text messages. They provide financial assistance, help navigate those crises, offer emotional support, and step in wherever they can. Yet, despite these efforts, these parents feel busted up by exhaustion, confusion, and at times, resentment.
The reason is not that they care too much. It is that they have problematically learned that caring is carrying. I frequently see the pattern emerge in which the parent assumes responsibility for problems the adult child ultimately needs to learn to manage independently.
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