Why Your Friendships Need Spring Cleaning, Too

Emotional clutter could be as innocuous as a too-busy schedule or as serious as unprocessed trauma. It’s not realistic to expect yourself to clear that clutter away completely over the course of a single three-month season, but now is a great time to begin addressing it. That could mean setting aside an afternoon to finally go through your inboxes (texts, emails, DMs, phone log). It could also mean finding a new therapist or coach to help you process some of the bigger stuff.

To tune into yourself and figure out what you need, Pogany recommends taking up an easy ritual practice like journaling or meditation, so you can greet your “shadow self.”

The shadow self, she says, is responsible for the “limiting beliefs” that we all have about ourselves, which often get in the way of establishing healthy relationships. Changing those narratives requires “looking into the deep recesses of our mind and emotional intelligence and our energetic field,” she says. “Our shadow is reflected to us in our life via the relationships that we do not like, that do not serve us.” Pogany adds, “Everything is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Our relationships are a mirror.”

One way to tackle the emotional clutter and face our shadows is to actually take time away from phones, Pogany says. Many people are already choosing to do this, whether by selecting “Do Not Disturb” throughout the day or shutting phones off before bed, for an entire weekend, or while on a digital detox retreat.

“In today’s culture where we’re all addicted to our phones, it’s up to each person to set boundaries for themselves,” Pogany says. “We’re all trying to find ways to support our own self-connection.” She applauds the effort to “take space” for oneself — as long as people communicate their tech breaks to their friends and loved ones so no one feels ignored.

Clearly Communicate Your Needs, and Prioritize Them

It’s sometimes challenging to be friends with people whose communication styles differ widely from your own. Pogany has plenty of personal experience with this, being an ultra-responsive texter with multiple (former) friends who might not respond to her messages for months at a time. After confronting these friends about their behavior, she’s had to part from more than a few people who weren’t able to communicate in a way she felt was respectful.

“While I understand that we all need to prioritize ourselves first, if you’re in a relationship with somebody — a friend, a colleague, your family, or someone romantic — communication is number one. It’s queen, it’s king, it’s showing respect,” she says. “And if you can’t hold up your end, don’t be surprised if the other person walks away.”

In friendships, as in romantic relationships, “it takes two to tango,” Pogany says. It’s OK to tell a friend that you need more from them, and to set expectations for one another. “We have to be able to have challenging and confronting conversations if we want our relationships to flourish. We cannot read each other’s minds. You have to ask for it, you have to state it.”

If those conversations don’t seem to be producing results, it’s possible that it’s time for you and that friend to cut ties — at least for now. “Friendship breakups are hard; they can be really painful,” Pogany says, “but even if you let someone go temporarily, you have no idea if and when they will come back around.”

Practice Mindfulness When You’re With Your Friends

It may take some work to pinpoint exactly how your current relationships are making you feel and what, if anything, needs to change about them. Pogany recommends using some mindfulness techniques to get there, which can help regulate your nervous system and tune out some of that mental clutter. Breathwork, which you can do on your own or you can practice with a certified professional, is a great place to start, she says.

When you feel centered, you’re better able to absorb what’s happening around you, including how individual people make you feel. When you’re with a friend, try to pay attention to how you feel in your body when the hang ends. Do you feel exhausted? Energized? How does that person treat you in group settings versus when you’re alone together? That’s all important information when thinking about what your relationships might need more or less of.

Mindfulness also allows you to give your friends your full presence, Pogany says, which is a key ingredient in good friendships. “Our time is limited here, and one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is our time and our presence.”

Try to Make One New Connection Each Month

Once you’ve spruced up your existing friendships, spring is a great season to try reaching out to new people and making new connections. If you have trouble hitting it off with people organically, there are dozens of new friendship speed-dating and matchmaking services that have popped up in cities around the country, like RealRoots and Skip the Small Talk. Each month of spring, challenge yourself to chat up one new person who you would like to befriend, and watch as your summer calendar fills up with exciting plans with new people.

At the end of the day, spring cleaning your friendships is not about callously tossing people out without self-reflection or taking accountability for your own actions. And it’s definitely not about sweeping your dustier relationships into a neglected little pile under the sofa. It’s about putting in a little elbow grease — in this case, soul-searching — to rediscover what it is you’re wanting from your friendships, then making a plan for how to go out and get it.