At 51, Allan Lee is the chief operating officer at private education provider CSM Academy International and a strong advocate for mental health.
Looking at him now, it’s hard to imagine that some time back starting in his late 30s, he was struggling to keep himself afloat.
Speaking to AsiaOne ahead of World Suicide Prevention Day on Sept 10, Allan shared about his road to recovery, where he went from what he described as rock bottom to now being able to help others.
At the time, he was working in the media industry, where he held a senior position.
But outside of work, several parts of his life were beginning to unravel.
“There were so many struggles. I was in media, so I was very stressed out. I was also struggling with finances because I made some really bad investments,” he told us.
“What made matters worse was back then, my marriage was also breaking down. I think these were the three main things that made me spiral.”
Hearing voices, losing sleep and appetite
As his struggles mounted, Allan began grappling with voices in head — which would contradict his thoughts.
Any attempts on doing something positive would warrant negative input from the voices, and confusingly, vice versa too.
“The voices that I heard were very troubling,” he said, adding that he attempted to manage it by simply ignoring them at the time.
However, as the voices were coming from within, it proved difficult.
“It caused me a lot of issues with decision-making, especially professional decisions. I was half-confused most of the time,” Allan recalled.
The effects of his deteriorating mental health gradually began spilling over into his daily life.
According to Allan, the most “prominent” consequence was losing sleep.
“You start to sleep lesser and lesser, and you come to a point where you can’t sleep. You may be laying down, your eyes closed, not moving at all, but you are wide awake,” he said.
His insomnia led to fatigue in the day, which affected not only work, but personal safety.
“During work days, I would be struggling. I started to lose concentration, even to a point of when I’m driving, my mind started to drift off. I had many near miss accidents,” he recalled.
He also lost his appetite, and at one point, found himself going without food for three days.
“I didn’t feel hungry. I just wanted to keep going.”
Putting up a strong front
Yet despite everything that was happening, nobody around Allan could sense that he was struggling.
“Back then, I did not share with anyone. There was a pressure to put up a very strong front,” he recalled.
As someone in a senior position at work, Allan said he felt there was an “unwritten rule” that leaders, especially ones at his age then, had to appear strong regardless of what they were going through.
That pressure was not limited to work.
Not wanting his parents to worry, Allan continued behaving as though “nothing had happened”.
“I show up. I smile. I talk like how I behave every day,” he said.
And while nothing gave him away, he said everything was “breaking down”.
Despite what he was experiencing, Allan did not seek professional help at the time.
The stigma surrounding mental health, coupled with concerns over his career and reputation held him back, he told us.
Instead, he convinced himself that he could manage it all on his own.
Not one, but two attempts
His struggles eventually culminated in his first suicide attempt when he was around 40 — which he survived.
He was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder after undergoing counselling and speaking to a psychiatrist.
But before that, it did not occur to Allan that he may have had a mental condition.
“It just felt like I was surrounded by problems and troubles, and I just couldn’t seem to get out of them,” he said.
Despite receiving a diagnosis, the road forward was far from straightforward.
Around six to eight months after his first attempt, Allan experienced what he described as a “relapse”.
Recovering brought challenges of its own, as he had to rediscover himself and relearn parts of his life.
He also had to deal with people who did not always understand what he was going through, and may end up saying “insensitive words” or belittling him, he told us.
“The way up is actually harder than falling down,” Allan said.
Another incident eventually triggered a second suicide attempt, which Allan also survived.
The only way is up
It was only after the second attempt that his perspective began to shift.
“I think it’s a sign that my job isn’t over yet,” he said.
“Instead of turning more negative, I started to look at the whole episode again in a more positive light,” he said, explaining that he felt he had hit rock bottom.
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