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SINGAPORE \u2013 Young people should start dating while they are still in university, instead of waiting until their careers are established to look for a life partner, said Violet Lim, chief executive of regional matchmaking agency Lunch Actually.<\/p>\n
At that early stage, men and women are on a more similar footing and can grow together, rather than assess each other against increasingly exacting standards after entering the workforce, she told The Straits Times in an interview.<\/p>\n
\u201cRelationships and personal ambitions can develop together.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her advice comes as Singapore grapples with fewer marriages, later unions and declining birth rates.<\/p>\n
According to the National Population and Talent Division, Singapore\u2019s resident total fertility rate fell to 0.87 in 2025, from 0.97 in 2024. There were 21,671 citizen marriages in 2025 \u2013 down 5.6% \u2013 while the median age at first marriage for citizen grooms and brides rose to 30.8 and 29.1 years, respectively, from 30.1 and 27.9 a decade earlier.<\/p>\n
While dating apps have made meeting potential partners easier, Lim said increasingly demanding expectations, a desire for certainty and a reluctance to commit are making it harder for singles to build lasting relationships.<\/p>\n
She said encouraging relationships earlier is an important part of addressing the problem, as couples must first find each other before they can consider having children.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease do not stop your kids from dating when they are in university. Encourage them to date,\u201d Lim said.<\/p>\n
Lim noted that more young people view relationships as a distraction from their studies or careers, where hard work offers a clearer return on investment (ROI).<\/p>\n
When she speaks at universities and polytechnics, students often tell her they are not dating, with some saying that investing in their careers offers better ROI than spending years building relationships without a guaranteed outcome.<\/p>\n
Some of the traditional reasons for marrying have weakened, as children are no longer seen as necessary to contribute to household income or provide support in old age, Lim added, noting that a rising number of couples are opting to keep pets instead.<\/p>\n
With less parental and societal pressure to settle down, remaining single has become more widely accepted, Lim said.<\/p>\n
Some also cite longer lifespans as a reason to put off marriage until their 40s or even 50s, rather than spend many decades with the same person.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, among those seeking partners, expectations have become more demanding, with clients now seeking much more information before agreeing to a match.<\/p>\n
Physical attraction remains a priority for men, while women increasingly assess how men carry themselves, Lim said, adding that women tend to have higher expectations for a match than men.<\/p>\n
Financially independent, well-educated women who enjoy comfortable lifestyles often want partners at a similar or higher level.<\/p>\n
But the men who match these requirements may have different preferences, narrowing the pool of mutually interested partners, she added.<\/p>\n
Some women are also reluctant to consider older men who are further along in their careers, but who may suit the bill.<\/p>\n
That is why pairing up at university allows couples to build relationships before differences in professional achievement become a barrier, Lim said.<\/p>\n
Lunch Actually helps compatible and like-minded singles meet through pre-screened, pre-matched and pre-arranged one-to-one dates, alongside offering dating and relationship coaching.<\/p>\n
The company claims to have arranged more than 150,000 dates and matched more than 4,500 married couples.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lim, who started the agency with her husband 22 years ago, noted that the dating environment in Singapore has changed considerably since 2004, when singles often lacked opportunities to meet potential partners.<\/p>\n
Today, apps and other platforms offer ample opportunities for people to meet and date. What is now harder is persuading people to choose a partner and commit.<\/p>\n
The way Lim sees it, dates have become more commoditised. \u201cWith another potential match readily available, more people wonder whether the next person they meet may be better.\u201d<\/p>\n
That \u201cparadox of choice\u201d can produce an endless search, followed by dating fatigue where swiping, chatting and repeatedly making small talk begin to feel like work.<\/p>\n
Lim said singles increasingly want certainty before agreeing to a first date, while some spend weeks or months messaging, only to find that the person they eventually meet differs from the image they have built in their minds.<\/p>\n
She recommends deciding after about a week of chatting whether to meet, then arranging a date to establish whether there is enough interest to continue.<\/p>\n
She urges singles to give an unremarkable first date another chance.<\/p>\n
\u201cMany people rule out a second date right after the first. But attraction often develops over several dates, as people take time to discover different sides of each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
A first meeting does not need to deliver instant sparks to warrant a second, she said. \u201cA reasonably pleasant encounter can be enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
That is where Lunch Actually\u2019s matchmaking and coaching can help, by encouraging clients to examine their requirements and what they bring to a relationship, said Lim.<\/p>\n
She recalled a wealthy, highly educated and accomplished client who wanted to be matched with the top 5% of men in the agency\u2019s database in terms of career and financial success.<\/p>\n
Beyond narrowing her options, she had overlooked a crucial question: What were these men looking for in a partner, and would they be interested in her?<\/p>\n
\u201cThe people she wants might not be looking for her profile,\u201d Lim said, adding that the woman was not aware of their preferences.<\/p>\n
The example illustrates how finding a partner requires mutual interest and a willingness to consider the other person\u2019s needs and preferences, rather than simply presenting a checklist, she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe choose people, but they must also choose us. It needs to be two ways.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lim recalled another woman who had been on <\/b>multiple first dates, but few had led to a second.<\/p>\n
When asked what she wanted to achieve on a first date, the woman said her objective was to gather information.<\/p>\n
Lim said this risked making the encounter feel like an interview or interrogation, leaving the other person uncomfortable and putting him off right away. Instead, she encourages singles to approach a first date with the aim of securing a second.<\/p>\n
Coaching also helps clients reconsider their rigid limits.<\/p>\n
She recalled one client who accepted a match outside the preferred age range after discussions with the team, and the pair eventually became a couple.<\/p>\n
Artificial intelligence could add another complication to the search for a partner.<\/p>\n
Lim said she initially doubted that people would embrace AI boyfriends or girlfriends, but has since found that some are happy with such companionship.<\/p>\n
Unlike a human relationship, which requires mutual attraction and compromise, an AI partner can be tailored to someone\u2019s preferences, she said. \u201cYou can actually create the perfect AI boyfriend or girlfriend.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lim predicts that some people may eventually choose human companions, although she is unsure how large this group will be.<\/p>\n
Despite the mounting challenges and emerging alternatives, Lim said there will always be demand for human relationships from the majority of singles.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am still hopeful that more in Singapore will find love and that business for Lunch Actually will continue to grow.\u201d<\/p>\n
She noted that client numbers are growing and their ages range from early 20s to the 80s, with more people in their late 50s, 60s and 70s seeking companionship.<\/p>\n
\u201cMany will still marry and some will go on to have children,\u201d she said, adding that some of her former clients have visited her with gifts after their babies were born, while others, having found partners, have also referred new clients to her.<\/p>\n