\n<\/p>\n
I faced what should have been a difficult decision for me immediately after my first full-blown psychotic break, where I was an inpatient for three weeks and then a partial daytime patient for two weeks. I decided without hesitation to still begin a PhD program that started in two months, where I would move to another state all by myself in a month after daytime hospitalization ended. When leaving the daytime program, I was given a Global Assessment Functioning score of 60%.<\/p>\n
I refused to let anything stop me, even a psychotic break that left me cognitively impaired. I saw getting a full academic scholarship and stipend to a prestigious University as the honor of a lifetime. But in that year, I could not hold a train of thought, focus well, or think on my feet. In my second semester, there was a teaching style that called for me to enroll in disability services and receive accommodations. I made a full cognitive recovery by the one-year mark of a school calendar, after two semesters and a summer term, but I was soon taken off my antipsychotic by a psychiatrist. I then started to slip back into another break. I left the program, moved in with my parents, and then had my second full break and then another.<\/p>\n
After three breaks in two years, I was cognitively impaired to a greater degree than ever before. I thought everything in my academic career<\/a> I had worked so hard for was wasted. I was given disability papers to sign, and I wasn\u2019t sure if I would ever work again. Slowly I did start to work again and build a new career, but it took humility, patience, and luck. My cognitive recovery simultaneously and gradually took place.<\/p>\n Here is what I have learned about experiencing cognitive impairment and recovering.<\/p>\n One of my biggest fears has been living to the potential I could have achieved if I had not been mentally ill for a decade and then had three psychotic breaks. It\u2019s almost impossible not to ask what-ifs, like what if I had never gone off my antipsychotic? Where would I be in life, and would I be different as a person? Would I be more successful? The truth is that it is impossible to say, and thinking too long about this is counterproductive and produces negative thinking<\/a>. You can\u2019t automatically assume that your life would have been better had you not been ill. Your challenge of being mentally ill could have been replaced with another challenge.<\/p>\n I think in those years of gradual, cognitive recovery I had to redefine what “potential” means to me in terms of what matters in life. In my recovery, I felt that the “potential” that really mattered was the degree of resilience<\/a>, persistence, and patience in me that kept me from quitting. That was the only relevant definition for me in that time, and I am prouder of that potential than “career potential.”<\/p>\n Losing intelligence<\/a> can feel like losing part of your identity<\/a>, and it can hurt to think you are no longer smart. It\u2019s a scary thing to have identified with being intelligent and then not be sure if you are still intelligent or will be again. Losing your mental sharpness can feel personal, like you are partially who you used to me. It\u2019s tempting to see yourself as damaged or beyond repair. <\/p>\n When you face cognitive impairment, you must sometimes reevaluate your profession, lifestyle, and what really matters to you in life. You can live with optimism<\/a> though. Nothing in life is ever fixed in stone, and you do have options, some of which may be careers you have not considered yet or don’t yet know about. I promise you that you don\u2019t know everything about yourself yet\u2014everything you could enjoy and thrive at\u2014no matter your age. And you don\u2019t know what is around the corner in your life\u2014sometimes it just takes patience to see how the dust settles and what is in front of you afterwards. Life can still surprise you in good ways.<\/p>\n I will never be the same as before my breaks, but not all in a negative way. My brain may be compromised in how it handles stress<\/a>, and there\u2019s no exact day when you become impairment free. However, I now have so many more self-care mechanisms that monitor how I feel, what is right for me, and what truly matters in life. <\/p>\n You can be a better version of yourself on the other side of recovery, regardless of whether you face cognitive impairment. I firmly believe that your heart grows when your brain fails you. I believe that cognitive impairment forced me to feel my way through things instead of only thinking and analyzing my way through things, which I believe has led to better decision making<\/a> and a life direction that makes me happier. The only thing you can control in life is how you choose to react, your attitude, and what you learn.<\/p>\n 14 years after my last psychotic break, I was invited to apply to become an adjunct professor at my alma mater. I am now approved and ready to teach if they need me. It shows my degrees, work experience, and publications still matter. I plan to review all my previous conference papers and determine which ones can be updated and submitted to academic journals. My background is in Communication, but I also am starting to publish academically in psychiatry<\/a> on the topics of emotional recovery from psychosis, adherence to antipsychotics<\/a>, and the label of schizophrenia. I now have a career as a Certified Peer Support Specialist, who writes and speaks on recovery topics, and I still publishes academically and could teach at the University level.<\/p>\n It\u2019s so easy to be overwhelmed and short-sighted in early recovery from psychosis, especially due to cognitive impairment. You cannot dismiss your odds of recovery though, and you don\u2019t know what could be in store for your life around the corner. I could have never guessed this outcome for myself. I believe no good work ever goes to waste.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\nLiving to Your Potential and What-ifs<\/h2>\n
Emotional Impact and Self Discovery<\/h2>\n
Living With a New Normal<\/h2>\n
How Life Has Surprised Me<\/h2>\n