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And sometimes, people are just tired, said Lee. \u201cThe initial heat of the argument has cooled, and what is left is this cold, hard lump of silence. After five years, you might not even remember why you stopped talking to your father but you do miss his terrible but hilarious Dad jokes.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n If you\u2019ve been meaning to mend a broken relationship in your life, here\u2019s what the experts say you can do.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cEgo is the flashy headline,\u201d said Lee, \u201cbut the real story is often in the fine print.\u201d She likened reconciliation to \u201cless like a single wall (ego) and more like a whole obstacle course\u201d that can include the following hurdles:<\/span><\/p>\n Fear of rejection or hurt:\u00a0<\/strong>\u201cIt is like touching a hot stove; once burned, you are terrified to go near it. And people would rather live with the quiet, known pain of estrangement than risk a new, fresh hurt,\u201d said Lee.<\/span><\/p>\n Unresolved trauma and lack of trust:\u00a0<\/strong>This is when you develop a mental checklist of every wrong ever committed against you, said Lee, then pressuring the other party to get over it. \u201cIt is dismissive of their feelings. It shows you are more interested in your own comfort (wanting the awkwardness to be over) than in their genuine emotional recovery.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Deeply held assumptions about the other person can also get in the way, said Dr Chow. \u201cFor example, thoughts like, \u2018They don\u2019t care\u2019 or \u2018I was the only one trying\u2019, can make it hard to even consider reaching out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Cause of conflict: <\/strong>A one-off argument about politics is easier to fix than a long pattern of betrayal, like financial deceit or chronic unreliability, said Lee. \u201cOne is a spark; the other is a slow-burning fire.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n The depth of betrayal and severity of the boundary violation are other considerations, said Dr Chow. \u201cAbuse or severe breaches of trust may require more time, clarity and even a sense of safety, to even consider reconciliation.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Duration: <\/strong>Long separations, said Dr Chow, can create emotional distance and \u201clead to assumptions about whether and how much people have changed\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThe longer the silence, the rustier the door becomes,\u201d Lee said. \u201cA three-month estrangement might just need a good push. A 10-year one might need new hinges, a locksmith, and possibly an emotional archaeologist to figure out what is buried there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThis is a huge myth!\u201d exclaimed Lee. \u201cIt is a beautiful concept but it is about as realistic as expecting your handphone to never have a scratch. You do not have to do either to reconcile.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n She continued: \u201cIt is about acknowledging the hurt while being open to reconnect. Think of it less like erasing a whiteboard, and more like creating a new file on your computer. The old file is still there but you are choosing to work on a new document together\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\nIS EGO THE ONLY OBSTACLE TO FORGIVENESS?<\/h2>\n
DO YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE AND FORGET TO RECONCILE?<\/h2>\n