\n<\/p>\n
My instincts move in very distinct, no pun intended, patterns these days. I’ve always felt a problematic relationship with impulse and instinct. I want to jump when the starting gun fires. I always want to run with that impulse.<\/p>\n
This obsession is the essence of my attention deficit disorder<\/a>, and the focus is always either on the most recent thing to come into my periphery or something that has become a central habitual component that is like a broken-record impulse that occurs approximately as often as sex<\/a> \u2014 every seven seconds, or maybe it’s every seven nanoseconds, depending on whom you ask.<\/p>\n I’ve spoken a little bit around the country on the connection between ADD and creativity<\/a>, and on teaching to multiple intelligences (since I believe ADD is tied into Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligences theory, in a certain sense, de facto). ADD holds within it powerful gifts, but for me, it is a focus-regulation disorder<\/em> and not really an attention<\/a> deficit. (Focus-regulation disorder<\/em> is not a diagnosis or a disorder.)<\/p>\n Let’s get real; this is not even controversial \u2014 it’s an extraordinarily poorly named disorder, and a stigmatizing one. ADD would be better called focus-regulation because attention is never lost or at a low level. The attention is simply in a <\/strong>different direction<\/strong><\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n Plus, I will point out that the word attention<\/em> is unnecessarily long, cumbersome, and ridiculous when there is a much shorter word in the English language that means the exact same thing, 100 percent<\/em>: focus<\/strong><\/em>.<\/p>\n I’m getting in the weeds, though. Look at me being all ADD and focus-y-in-the-wrong-direction-y. No, back to the point of focus-regulation. It could be related to focus regulation<\/em>. It could also be related to view regulation<\/em>, a shorter version of perspective regulation<\/em>.<\/p>\n I’m brainstorming in a sense here (on theme, since ADD is a brain-thunderstorm<\/strong><\/em> \u2014 term coined), but my point is that the brain is poorly regulating<\/strong><\/em> these things. I say that because the frontal lobes in an ADD brain are overwhelmed with stimuli and are not able to regulate <\/strong><\/em>them very well. Instinct often takes over.<\/p>\n I suggest view regulation<\/strong><\/em> as my favorite and final verdict, personally, because I believe it encompasses the real issue: the person is not having trouble regulating focus, if you think about it.<\/p>\n Consider how a film camera works. It focuses on a subject. So that’s not the issue here. The issue is that the camera is pointing the “wrong” way. That’s a view issue. That’s a perspective issue. Again, attention is in a different direction. As a pilot might tell you, the line of sight changes; the view is on one (supposedly “wrong”… assuming God makes mistakes, because didn’t he make these people?) thing rather than another. <\/p>\n Where Do My Instincts Take Me?<\/strong><\/p>\n Being a person with ADD, it is critically important to keep asking oneself where the instincts or impulses lead. I find I dig myself out of the most treacherous challenges of my life. I had a person with profound mental health issues publicly question my sanity and get me incarcerated. This person was actually very nice, but they were not good at assessing situations and reading people.<\/p>\n They also were terrible at listening because they heard me say I was a diagnosed schizophrenic and filled this balderdash into an official report, causing me to be held for 15 days, much of it to ensure I was indoctrinated that I had a condition I did not have (they switched over to bipolar<\/a>, so that their diagnosis would be “less guano,” one may suppose).<\/p>\n I have also been flat broke. The stuff I discussed above about ADD is my past experience. I have been most recently making the bulk of my money writing marketing<\/a> “content.” That fell apart with AI<\/a>, and I actually became homeless.<\/p>\n I was recovering from that, and then a tenant in a house where I stayed had me sent away to, uh, may I call it the funny farm<\/em>? It’s certainly better than obviously pejorative alternatives (loony bin<\/em>, nuthouse<\/em>). And it’s not that funny, but sometimes it’s kind of funny.<\/p>\n It’s definitely a funny<\/strong><\/em> <\/strong>pharm<\/strong><\/em> <\/strong>if nothing else. I do feel I was victimized by the state and forced to take medication<\/a> in exchange for my liberty, regardless of the lack of a mental disorder claimed by the medically overeager staff (to say it lightly, “medically salivating” staff).<\/p>\n Ending Up Full<\/strong><\/p>\n I ain’t gonna wind up empty though, y’all. I actually am now working a bit, though it’s a tiny amount. I am like Kryptonite to the Supermanchild that is America’s hiring management<\/a>. But yes, I got hired by a dollar store to stock their shelves at 5 am. It’s hardcore. Especially because the shifts are only three hours.<\/p>\n Personal Perspectives Essential Reads<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n The hiring manager told me and even wrote on a piece of paper: “Tue 1:30\u20145:30 pm, Wed 5\u201410 am, Thur 5\u201410 am, Fri 5\u201410 am, Sat 5\u201410 am.” That’s 24 truly insane hours. In reality, the first week was 16 hours. The second week was nine, at three-hour shifts.<\/p>\n It’s funny, though: If you’re broke, you put up with it. I’ve asked for so many handouts from friends and family, I have to somehow figure it out, even though it’s humiliating and, seemingly, at times, impossible.<\/p>\n I will get copywriting work soon. I hope. Anyway, thanks for listening. I feel like I’ve been speaking at an AA meeting. I’ll be here all week. And yeah, now I’m going to take this here that I’ve written and walk over to the FedEx Office that didn’t hire me.<\/p>\n I’ll print it out, touch it up a bit, after I awkwardly interact with the hiring manager. Sorry, I don’t mean to sound bitter. I have a bachelor’s degree from Brown, and I scored a perfect SAT.<\/p>\n And I’m a bit Forrest Gump. Chocolates, anyone? (Come to my park bench. I cannot afford an office.) Bye-bye.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n